To begin, you will need to procure these items with whatever ingenuity and craftiness you have at your disposal:
1/2 carrot
A few nice-sized pieces of broccoli
5 crimini mushrooms
1/2 summer squash
2 green onions
1 heaping spoonful of chopped garlic
cayenne pepper
fresh ground pepper
-and-
some tasty miso
First, a few blips about the nutritious aspects of this meal. Miso is fermented soy. It's high in protein, vitamins and minerals, and is much better for you than any soy product that hasn't gone through fermentation. The process allows a fuller scope of nutrients to be metabolized. Tempeh is another type of fermented soy. Garlic has been used for centuries as a natural antibiotic and is also full of antioxidants. Cayenne pepper increases metabolism, is beneficial for heart and circulation health, kills cancer cells in the lungs and pancreas and is said to stop a heart attack within 30 seconds of ingestion. Crimini mushrooms are rich in B-complex vitamins, zinc, protein, are good for your immune system and have been shown to help prevent age-related cognitive disorders. Plus they explode in your mouth like a friggin' flavor bomb when you bite into them after they've been cooking in the soup, which is friggin' awesome.
So basically, everything in this soup is great for you. Eat a bowl of this every day and it will change you. With that said, I'll get down to brass tacks:
Cut up the squash and carrot in whichever way you like. I find that slicing them longways makes it easier to eat and looks rad.
In a small pot, start to boil about 2 cups of water. It's probably a good idea to use some sort of store-bought water instead of the crap that comes out of the faucet. Remember-- you're making miso soup now, you damn hippie, so you've got a pineal gland to think about. All that fluoride in the tap water will calcify your chances of opening that third eye and blasting off into cosmic satori land. Drop in that heaping load of chopped garlic,
sprinkle a bit of cayenne pepper and grind some of the other pepper into the water,
then grab your vegetables and drop them shits in to cook.
While the pot is boiling (temperature should be on medium/high), grab a small cup and fill it with a small amount of clean, non-fluoridated water. Put it in a kettle for a minute or so to get it warm and then mix in a scoop of whatever fantastically delicious type of miso you've purchased for this endeavor (I prefer barley flavored).
Stir the miso into the water with a fork and make sure to be thorough. Getting a mouthful of pure miso can be a nasty surprise unless its what you've intended to have.
The reason you don't want to put the miso directly into the pot with everything else is because boiling water will trash its flavor and make your soup look awful, squashing your attempt to impress/enrage before it's even begun.
Take everything in the pot, which should have cooked for about 5 to 10 minutes at this point, and pour it into whatever bowl you'll be serving or eating from.
Give it a minute to cool from the high temperature and pour in your miso/water mixture.
Place everything on the table in a carefully thought out arrangement and be sure to have a bottle of snobby European mineral water close by. Also, if you want to take this eating-like-a-Jain thing to a whole new level where you'll certainly elicit an erection (or disgust, depending on which party's emotions you're manipulating with your meal), then place three rolls of macrobiotic vegan sushi next to your soup on a plate made specifically for sushi rolls.
Also: Chop sticks ARE A MUST. This way you'll be able to casually and skillfully eat your vegetables from the broth as the other party tries to contain their burgeoning fascination (or disgust). Respond to any queries that are sure to arise regarding your very refined way of eating with, "Oh these? Yeah, I use chop sticks all the time. No biggie."
If the goal is to impress, make sure to dress and act in a way that completely contradicts the kind of meal you just made (for example, get a tattoo on your upper right arm that says "FTW" with a couple of pistols above, wear a worn shirt with a picture of a guy bass fishing and a filthy camouflage hat, shave your facial hair into huge, obnoxious chops, and pepper all conversation with colorful swearing). Although it may seem as if becoming a walking, paradoxical contradiction might confuse the potential victim of your love, this won't be the case. The more confusing you are, the further they will be caught in your web of intrigue.
On the other side, if your goal is to embitter the other party with your meal, dress the part completely. Wear a silk robe, bamboo slippers and keep all of your movements subtle and well-formed, as if you were training to be a Tai Chi master. Also, answer all questions with questions and respond to all declarative statements with slight variations on the same Zen koan. This overload of pretentiousness is certain to send any coffee-drinking, meat-eating American male screaming into the streets, cursing your name for weeks to come while you'll be able to quietly, happily enjoy a meal that takes nearly no time to prepare, tastes fantastic and leaves you feeling satisfied in ways that a shitty hamburger never could.
So this concludes the first left-handed cooking lesson. My next installment will also probably include tactics of silent aggression, but this blog's intention is to illuminate benefits of all things left-handed and the potential for fun that exists when these methods are employed in the preparation and enjoyment of a great meal.
